Ghosts and other apparitions: Sayonara baby, I’m tapping out

Dating apps have more ghosts than a New Orleans cemetery and they are not friendly, notorious or have a great story. These ghosts are simply an annoying part of online dating.

I remember meeting my financial advisor for a drink last year, one of the most attractive, successful, single women I know, and admitted to her I was contemplating dating again. I asked her to tell me what it was like ‘out there.’

She sighed, took a sip of wine and said, “Ghosts are a real thing.”

“What is a ghost?” I asked. 

She explained there are two kinds of ghosts in the dating cemetery: people who use fake identities to trick people into believing they are real, and those that just disappear in the middle of a conversation, after a date or even a series of dates.

The first fake ghosts are the subject of a popular TV series, Catfish, which documents this deception. These creeps are predators who embarrass, humiliate or upset a victim by sharing personal secrets online or revealing to others that you fell for the deception. Some even obtain money. 

These morally reprehensible people set up shop on the apps, steal other people’s photos and create fake profiles. Then, thanks to the wonderful world of AI, chat bots serve as the persona which generate conversations and respond to messages.

Thanks AI. Way to go.

The apps do a minimal job of addressing the issue of scammers.  I received the following message from Match which I found hilarious, in part, because in my past life, I would have been responsible for drafting such a message.  And, well, when you read others’ insincere apologies, it’s just kind of funny.

Dear ​Claire​,

At Match, we work tirelessly behind the scenes to cultivate a safe and positive experience. After all, your safety is a top priority. With this in mind, we recently discontinued Helton’s membership due to what appeared to be fraudulent* behavior. We are notifying you because you exchanged messages with this member. As a safety reminder, we advise against ever sharing your personal information or sending money (including, but not limited to: wire transfers, crypto currency, investments, etc.) to other members for any reason. If you do receive one of these requests from another member, please report them directly to us. We wish you all the best on your dating journey.

Sincerely,

The Customer Care Team

Of course, Match cares about my safety for brand and legal reasons. Maybe it could just do a better job of weeding out scammers and false profiles. It would restore karma to the universe.

According to the Pew Research Center, about 52 percent of people on dating apps report they have encountered a scammer.  And, in a Penn State sampling of more than 8 million profiles, 10 percent were found to be fake – one in ten. 

A lot of hocus pocus out there. 

After encountering a few of these apparitions, it becomes easier to channel your inner Nancy Drew and spot the little buggers.

The other category of ghosts are people who ignore or block someone without coming clean about why, or what, happened. These feature creatures are everywhere. One minute you are in a deep and profound conversation on line or go on a date and then never hear from the person again.

They simply disappear. 

It’s called “ghosting.”  A new verb for the Urban Dictionary.

There are a lot of theories of the case on this matter. In fact, even the NY Times has devoted time to this subject, hypothesizing on what causes this behavior and what to do to address it. Seriously, it’s that big of a deal.

Psychologists are also weighing-in about how this is affecting people’s mental health.

Dating is now a head trip in so many new ways thanks to the internet.

My theory is that the internet has made it easy to be anonymous, and to simply “block” or reject someone with absolutely no consequence or trace of guilt.  There are no friends, relatives, or colleagues who know this person and to whom they might be accountable for such behaviors.

It’s a simple “click” on a tab or a phone number block and, poof!, the person disappears. Magical, isn't it? There were many times in my life where this would have proven so very useful, but technology was not in place to enable such an outcome.

This ghosting thing is the source of a lot of speculation and unhappiness all around. Here are a few random thoughts from an online chat thread.

“Has happened to me a number of times. I think these guys may be dating a lot of women at the same time, or they get weirdly nitpicky when they get home and talk themselves out of continuing with you.”

“Often they are just having fun with your time and validation and dating multiple people. If they aren’t following up or it isn’t translating into something else, better to know sooner than later.”

“There is something in the air these days and people are commitment phobic. They have a kind of amnesia going into a first date, are enthralled by the novelty of it."

“Ghosting is so dumb. Just be honest, we are all adults here. I try not to take it personally and have just decided to have low expectations instead.”

All good and interesting takes on the topic. Love the low expectations approach. Probably not a bad idea in general. Let's go low when they are going low too.

My take on this topic is nuanced and a bit contradictory.

Closure is nice and I’ve received a few 'wave-goodbye-messages' that look like ChatGPT writing. I actually looked-up how to break off with someone on that platform and the messages were nearly identical. 

Sometimes though, I just don’t care to hear how great, or wonderful or any other superlative I am. And, I really don’t need to hear about how the person who is dumping me met someone better and that chick got the job over me. 

So, sometimes I’m in favor of ghosting or blocking or disappearing. 

However, after you’ve established more than one or two contacts with me, then yeah, I think you owe me a form of – Sayonara baby, I’m tapping out now.

I have been ghosted many, many times. Some are more annoying than others, like the one below (story to come) who after love-bombing me (overly familiar before appropriate) with grand gestures and dates and calling me his girlfriend, disappeared without an explanation.  

I hadn’t heard from him in six days, and we lived 35 miles apart, a distance which people commute every day for work.  He had unilaterally decided I was not worth the mileage.

ME: “Hey Kilimanjaro, (my nickname for him) wanted to wish you all the best on your continued journey and to stop kissing us “frogs” (referencing an earlier conversation with him) and find your princess. I don’t need to hear what changed for you because it may sting and I’m in a good place.  But, I really think ghosting-out sucks.  So, sending you sincere and truly positive vibes…”

"Claire, I’m not ghosting you and I really enjoyed those four dates we spent together.  I really mean that!  You are a wonderful person and I hope you find what you are looking for closer to home..."

This ghost didn't just signal his intended message; he left me a real-life sign he was not interested in further contact and did not find me worthy of his time or effort.

Note that as I wished him "sincere and truly positive vibes,” all he wanted to wish me was that I find someone in a five-mile radius.

Very good information to know as he vaporized from my life.